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Wedding + Mom = Bad.

I don't want my wedding to be the thing that pushes my mom and I away from each other.  I don't exactly get along with her, although the last few years have been better for us than any.  We visit, we talk on occassion, and we check in with each other for no good reason.  We've been getting closer, and it took us both a long time before that happened.  This weekend shows me that apparently I've been decieved.  While my mother and I have been growing closer on the outside, she still looks at me as that lazy dreamer that reminds her too much of my father, and of everything she used to be when she was my age.  But I'm nothing like her, and that irks her greatly. 

Matt and I were well prepared.  We visited a lot of places, we got numbers together, we got a guest list together, we've been planning and researching. We found that although we intially thought the price of a wedding would be high, it's even higher still.  We've cut as many things down as possible, not as many guests, simplifying food and decorations.  Trying as hard as possible to make sure that we have a nice day, simple and elegant and as inexpensive as possible.  We came to a figure we thought was resonable.  After all our searching and researching, it's a number thats lower than our intial estimate and one we didn't think was so bad.    We gather all our stuff and go to my grandparent's house in hopes that the three of us (me, mom and Matt) could sit down, look things over, and agree on a figure. 

Instead, mom insists we go for lunch first.  Fine.  Mom, Matt and I, as well as my sister Jodie, my youngest younger brother and my step-dad.  Fine.  Then she wants to talk about it over lunch at the restraurant.  Fine.  We're not prepared, and we don't have anything to show her there, but Fine.    She prefaces the converstation with some speech about how I always have lofty expecations, and if things don't go as I hoped, it's my own fault if I'm let down.  Fine. 

Then, she just gets mean.  I tell her the places we looked at, the prices we got...she didn't want to hear it.  She wants the total.  I give it to her, with the knowledge that Matt and I are still paying for a good deal of things, like my dress, flowers, photography, ect.  She still doesn't want to hear it.  She tells me that we shouldn't be asking for a traditional wedding, since we haven't exactly done things traditionally (meaning moving in together).  She tells me that I always blame her when things don't go my way, that I always make her out to be the bad guy.  That I'm asking too much for my wedding day, and that I shouldn't be. That I let my dad get away with not having to do anything since he's not working, and not her.  That I ask to much of her.  Finally I ask her to JUST STOP TALKING.  She doesn't.  She continues to go on and on about why it's my fault that she can't say yes to that amount.

In the end, the whole story is that the amount was too high.  She says that they can only afford a little less than half of what we asked for. That's fine.  It's actually not about the money, mom.  What I wanted was a little support.  For her to say that it's my day, and that she'll do everything she can to help, but that she can only afford x amount.  I would've said great, thanks, and continued adjusting our planning accordingly.  That's not what I got. 

Is it so wrong to ask for one thing, one BIG thing that my mom actually contributes to?  She didn't pay my way through college, didn't help me get a car, or anything else big in my life.  I want my wedding to be a big day, I want my family involved in whatever way they can be.  And what do I get when I ask her to contribute?  A speech on why I don't deserve what I'm asking for, and attitude that says loud and clear, that she wants us married, but doesn't want anything to do with it.

I just don't understand.  How could she be so excited for us to get married, and now this?  She could've just said, we can only afford x amount.  And I would've been just fine with that.  I wanted to have a wedding my mother was involved in, and now instead, I'm thinking about a wedding I don't even want to invite her to.  Hopefully things will change.  I can only hope for the better. 

I'd lock this post, but I know she has the address to my LJ somewhere.  If she reads this, I hope she'll understand why I was so upset when I left on Saturday.  *shrugs and sighs* 

Comments

( 15 felicitations — Felicitate Me )
r4nd0m
Jan. 31st, 2005 09:37 pm (UTC)
i'm sorry to hear that you're having issues... weddings seem to bring out the worst in people, sadly enough. :( it's supposed to be a happy occasion, not a stressful one!
trikstar
Jan. 31st, 2005 09:39 pm (UTC)
If there is anything I can do, just let me know. I will do what I can.
cherith
Jan. 31st, 2005 10:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you miss. :)
That icon makes me smile, and that helps.
trikstar
Jan. 31st, 2005 11:40 pm (UTC)
:) *HUG*
laracee
Jan. 31st, 2005 10:04 pm (UTC)
That really sucks, I'm sorry! (-hugs you-)

You know that sounds just like how my mother would behave. Who taught them to communicate this way? Like you said, one would expect a person to be up front with what they could afford to contribute or by offering to help in other ways. I just can't believe that people don't realize how hurtful behaviour like that can be. Grrrrrr.

On the upside, it's going to be your day and it's going to be wonderful whether she approves of your planning or not.
nehimama
Feb. 1st, 2005 01:15 am (UTC)
I feel really badly for you. This is supposed to be a joyous time for you. I wonder if you could just plan it the way you & Matt want it, pay for it yourself, and have Mom as an invited guest? That would take her out of the planning and perhaps forgo the "I told you so" speeches. Sigh! You've really done well for yourself, and I wonder why she can't be happy for you and support you more. *Hug*
cherith
Feb. 1st, 2005 05:10 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thanks.
yrindale
Feb. 1st, 2005 04:53 am (UTC)
I can't offer much here other than *hugs*, but I am indeed sorry to hear about this. It's hard to plan for things so momentous with family issues like this popping up.

Hang in there!
cherith
Feb. 1st, 2005 05:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
jerad
Feb. 1st, 2005 05:24 am (UTC)
*snuggles* Just let her throw her tantrum or whatever. It's your day, and it doesn't have to go exactly like you want it. They never do, but even without her monetary support, it'll still be the best day of your life. I have to agree with the person above. I'd cut her out of it as much as possible and have her as a guest, instead.
jerad
Feb. 1st, 2005 05:25 am (UTC)
^ I know that's easier said than done.
cherith
Feb. 1st, 2005 05:12 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking that's probably what we will do. It's sad to think she doesn't want to be involved, but I'd rather not have her feel like I forced/guilted her into it.
uberreiniger
Feb. 1st, 2005 09:59 am (UTC)
She sounds like a really bitter, angry person. Your wedding should be happy, but maybe she sees it as her last big chance to dominate you and trod you down. I know it's not what you want to do, but maybe not inviting her wouldn't be such a bad idea.
doricom
Feb. 1st, 2005 10:17 am (UTC)
I'm sorry that things aren't going well with your Mother and you. *hugs* I wish there were something I could do for you. :) I hope things get better.
saskya
Feb. 1st, 2005 10:30 pm (UTC)
UNfortunately, Dori knows about family being less than supportive during a time such as this. Luckily, it wasn't -our- family, though.

I can only imagine the frustration, love. Still here for you if you need me.
( 15 felicitations — Felicitate Me )