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"I'm left to discover on my own"

One good thing about today, a Christmas card from miss novembertrees: I can't wait for the other thing!!!


Why is money so depressing? I was sitting here trying to figure out if I would have any money after todays paycheck, and no. I have no money. In fact, I have worse than no money. Much worse than no money, I have so much no money, that I can't even pay the majority of my bills. I had to send a fraction of each bill in this month, because I have so much no money. I make so much no money, that I'll never get caught up. In fact in Feb. I have to start paying back my student loan, because I only got a six month deferment, and that'll make me even more in the hole that I already am. My bills because I've only been paying fractions of them for a while now, are no where near where they could be. I'd need about an extra months pay to get them caught up, and under where they need to be in order to stop getting extra charges. If I could get caught up, I might actually be able to get some of them taken care of. I'm taking my cable box in tomorrow, and because I'm renewing my car insurance with the same company, it goes down about twenty-five dollars a month which is nice. So I'll have a little money, but if I can't get caught up on what I already owe it's not reallly going to make much of a difference. It's those late fees and over-the-limit fees that are killing me. Mostly just late fees. And the fact that I skipped some payments because I just don't have the money. I get money from someone occassionally, and I think it'll help, but it's never enough. I don't spend a lot of money. I don't buy groceries. I stopped buying lunch at work, I spend money on gas and pop every week and that's the extent of my extravagant expenditures. The only payment I ever manage to make correctly is my car payment. Then again, I can't really afford for them to take my car away either now can I? I make my rent payment, but due to the nature of my paychecks it's often short, or late, or something else. And then there's always the extra expenses. Like this past week, where I've spent about $80 dollars on drugs and doctors visits. I'm looking at the list of what I'm behind to certain places, and that $80 really could've helped me a bit. Not a whole lot. That's only a fraction of what I need really, but it would've helped something. I mean when it's going to take over $100 to get me stable on several different bills, it's bad. It's really bad. It hasn't been this bad, because I've been trying to pay on things, but obviously I'm not paying enough. I'm just digging the whole a little deeper every month and making it worse. This is so extremely stressful. I should've never moved out. I might have seriously hurt a member of my family by now if I'd stayed where I was, but I would've taken the time to pay some of these things off before I moved out. Unfortunatly, some of these things are just things I can pay off. I think it's close to half and half. Half are things I owe, like loans or credit cards. The rest are monthly payments that I'm getting behind on as well. Now, some of those will lessen once the cable tv is cancelled tomorrow and my insurance goes down.
I'm hoping that John's mom sends me the $100 for Christmas that she normally does, because that will solve one problem that I'm going to have in the near future. However, the rest of these are just going to keep building. I hadn't thought about it before, I assumed that by paying what I could each month I was doing fairly well, but tonight as I went to each bill and looked at what it would take to get me caught up, not paid up, but just caught up where the fees for over the limit and what I'm not paying with the minimum would cover, is a rather large amount. To me. It's a lot of money. Money that I don't make in one paycheck. Like I said, I need a whole months pay to get myself stabalized. However I have figured it out, and if I could get these caught up, which doesn't look likely unless my rent suddenly becomes non existent, I would be alright. I might even have enough money every month to start sending a little extra in bills to get paid off.
See I have this great book that has these great ideas for getting out of debt, money plans and ideas and beliefs that you can do easily, that is if you're not already behind. That's the first step in the book. Getting caught up. I can't do that. If I can't get caught up, I can't move on to the second step which would've come in really handy this week when I got sick. And later today when I finally got that ticket in the mail, which is to save an emergency fund. But that's not going to happen either. I so wish I could break my lease, I'd move in with Anjie and her parents in a heart beat to try and get myself caught up. I mentioned something along those lines to Matt this evening, but the thought in my mind was that only if money things got really bad would I do that. Because that would get me enough money to try and get things caught up, and then paid off. I'd be able to start off so much better if somethings were paid off completely. And what's really stupid it that here I am owing insane amounts of money because I'm so behind, but if I could put it off for a few months without owing late fees or overdraft fees, I could just pay them off. It's not like I owe that much money to these people. Aside from my car, apartment and school loans, I owe credit cards and another loan around $2500. That's not as bad as it could be. But the monthly payments on these things are insane.
Money has always been a sensitive subject with me. I love to have it, I like spending it...I'm not a shopper per say, but it's nice to buy the things I'd like to have every now and again, and I'd be fairly good with it if I had enough. But I can never get enough. I think that there's enough, but there never is.
And people wonder why I hate my job so much. It's not all about the job. Like I've said before I like the work, I don't mind working retail really much at all, but it's so depressing to know that even working what I do, which is getting closer to 40 hours a week all the time, I'm still not making shit for money. Why work if I'm still so behind with my bills. This is making my head hurt I'm so depressed about it. Definitely what I need before bed, and before my family Christmas tomorrow. Yeah, I'm going to be such a blast for the rest of the year. I so need a better job, and now I can't get one until after I get my tonsils out. I need the insurance. Life sucks. And this is bringing up other questions that I don't want to talk about here, because I'm leaving this as a public entry.

Comments

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dissolvedgurl
Dec. 20th, 2003 11:24 am (UTC)
-hugs- Money sucks - and I work for a bank!

Its the root of all evil, and the cause of much pain. They should go back to trading chickens - I wonder if like would be easier then hehe :)
sunraven
Dec. 20th, 2003 05:02 pm (UTC)
That's the reason I won't be moving out on my own any time soon. I just can't afford to :/
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